I'm Still Here

I often think of this blog that I've since abandoned every summer when Big Brother hits the tv screen. I have a real pull inside me to reopen this blog and start writing about what is important about my journey.

Look for more things coming your way from good ol' me.

By the way, update quickly: I'm actually doing really well emotionally physically and mentally although mentally is always a tenuous journey---but overall all this work and all this pain actually has made me this woman I am today and I'm not so bad...after all.

Thanks for all of you who have commented over the years and still check in and read this blog...I continue to get comments on old posts that still resonate for some and for that I am eternally grateful that my experience can help some others.

Much Much Much love to you my friends...

Michele aka FunnyBits.

Food and Frustration

If there was ever a doubt in my mind that I used food to soothe me (which there never has been; I've known that since birth) -- it has come roaring 'round the bend lately. I've been trying new things and being 1/2 way to a "regular" size makes that a little easier physically but mentally and socially -- the same old demons are there.

Since Thanksgiving I have been venturing outside of the old barcalounger and into the world. I like it. I like being able to be social and meet new people, reconnect with ones I haven't been around in a long time, and be in the world. However, I find myself feeling that feeling inside. It's quite hard to describe actually since I've spent the better part of my adult life trying to find the name for it.

It's not social anxiety but rather the afterbirth of social anxiety. I can go into a crowd and hold my own. My personality kicks in and I'm "on". But I feel so empty inside afterward. I feel so unsure. So insecure.

I've also had some adjustments with my medication where I'm not really on any medication anymore. I don't know if that's working so well for me. I added oatmeal and brown rice to my food plan and that has sent me spinning like a top. I don't really think it is because of oatmeal and brown rice--it's more because of my feelings around oatmeal and brown rice. My belief is that you keep somebody scared of something for long enough -- and the truth is -- oatmeal and brown rice are not scary -- oatmeal cookies and rice pudding are scary -- but the plain old commodity isn't scary at all -- they will get goofy.

I am more active now in my OA fellowship in this area. I decided it sucked so bad that I had to get involved if I was going to complain about it. Two people actually want me as their sponsor. It feels good to give it away. It really does. I just wish I could find a sponsor who would sponsor the way I did...I'm pretty good.

I don't want anyone to scare me into submission. I've believed the lies of this disease for so long that I'm petrified. And, I know that petrified is as petrified does and at a "regular" weight being petrified is well, uh, petrifying. Most sponsors I've had in my life have always given me the "don't do that; or do this; or you better watch it because; YOU'LL GET FAT!"

OH NO! NOT FAT! OH NOOOOOO! I've been fat. I'm still fat. And, I imagine my head will often tell me I'm fat even if I'm not. I cannot be afraid of this "fat" thing. It is a part of me. It just is. I don't have to overeat. I don't have to binge. I don't have to harm myself with food or other substances. But I have to make friends with fat. FAT FAT FAT FAT

Fat is such bad word, although in Arabic languages Fatima is a revered name meaning beautiful...so why are we so horrified at the word Fat. It's an inside job. I've said it since Day One at 427 pounds -- I need to be okay and actually thrive with my body the way it is and the way it was and the way it will be...there is no finish line.

Easy to say and write - hard to do.

Jesus at the Office

Oh if you have some British sensibilities you will love this!

glumbert - Jesus at the Office

70 mph Winds

So, out here in California we don't usually get extreme weather. Not the case today! Bridges shutting down, electricity going out, flooding, winds up to 70mph. What a perfect time to catch up on the best show on TV!

The Wire

HBO has been replaying the entire series gearing up for the final season starting Sunday. Even if you aren't a TV watcher, the Wire is excellent. The writing of the show is reportedly the closest you and me will ever get to the real "real" Baltimore including politics, city life, and of course the underworld of drug trade. If you have a DVD player, all 5 seasons are available.

I hope you watch and enjoy. I know I have and will!

Peace-

Here's a recap of all the seasons:

By Tim Goodman (SF GATE)

If you've finally been pestered by friends (or your favorite local TV critic) into seeing what the fuss is all about with "The Wire," congratulations, but you need to go back to the start to enjoy this landmark series to its fullest. Just diving into Season 5, starting Sunday, is like reading the last chapter of a great novel. Don't cheat yourself that way. Rent or buy the seasons. Here are descriptions of each:

Season 1:

"The Wire" is an ensemble series, but we first meet the person who is essentially our guide through the brutal streets of Baltimore, Detective Jimmy McNulty (Dominic West), here. Since he's "good po-lice" as they say in the series, he's spending a little extra time on getting more support to bring down Avon Barksdale (Wood Harris) and Stringer Bell (Idris Elba), the virtually unknown but powerful drug dealers running West Baltimore. This sets up creator David Simon's big theme - the drug war in America - by intricately tracking both the cops and the criminals and how their infrastructure works (or doesn't). A wiretap, hence the title, is used in an effort to bring down the Barksdale gang.

Season 2:

Imagine you're HBO and you've just aired one of the most critically acclaimed (but barely watched) series, and people probably still haven't figured out the complex story line and the myriad characters, when Simon decides to shift the focus of the series to, of all things: "the decline of the working class in American cities, focusing on the Baltimore waterfront and its unions." Yep. Ambitious, that guy. While the drug angle becomes a "B" story line, we get a magnificent look at a different murder (well, actually lots of them) and the crumbling of a city. Here's where Simon broadly shifts "The Wire" away from being merely "a cop show."

Season 3:

The drug war is back as the main story line this season, but with a couple of twists. First, there's a new player in West Baltimore, Marlo Stanfield (Jamie Hector), a laconic, new-school drug lord who's ruthlessly efficient. Simon's bigger theme here is politics and how it fails its citizens, as "The Wire" focuses in on the mayoral race and what the black incumbent and white challenger will do to stop the killing. "The Wire" has always been about race, but Season 3 magnified it the most. This was also the powerful, riveting end to the main Barksdale drug angle.

Season 4:

By now, fans were used to Simon shifting players and themes, bringing in new characters and changing the series direction. Season 4 focused on the failure of the public school system and how the youngest West Baltimore children became "corner kids" - slinging drugs - faster than anyone in the schools (or the police department or outreach programs or families) could save them. Emotionally devastating, this season also continued the mayoral race, winnowed familiar faces from the police ranks, solidified Marlo's rising power and brutality and brought back major players from Season 2's foray into the Baltimore docks.

Season 5:

Everything in Baltimore is crumbling - every institution and the characters within that we've witnessed as viewers. The bigger theme in this season is "the media's role in addressing - or failing to address - the fundamental political, economic and social realities depicted over the course of the series."

Come and visit me at the old stomping ground:

Fat Girl Camp (the original)